Living with Borderline Personality Disorder and a number of other mental health conditions can result in us asking ourselves…who are we really?
I know I’m not alone in this. I have Work Me, Socializing Me, Shopping Me, Family Get-Together Me, With Friends Me…but the one thing I can’t seem to nail down is who am I, really? I like to be by myself, and although I seldom find myself without something to do, I’m never sure which one of the “Me”s is present. Any of them? None of them? Is there another “Me” hiding in there somewhere…the Real Me?
For example – Work Me is very straight and to the point. Professional, polite, full of smiles. Shopping Me goes into the store, tries to avoid people she knows, gets what she needs, is polite to store employees, and gets out as fast as possible. Socializing Me is capable of small-talk (even though I hate it), always seems happy and smiling, and tries to make everyone feel included.
But who am I, really?
After being diagnosed with BPD more than ten years ago, I am still struggling with the answer to this question. I’ve been forced to take the last few months off work and life in general due to a significant major depressive episode with associated anxiety, and although it’s a struggle to get out of bed every day, I hope that one thing I will learn from this experience is why I really am. I am currently on my fifth medication trial and am still working with my psychiatrist to try and find something that will work for me this time.
This, of course, brings up the next question – if I discover the Real Me, is that really “real”, or is that just Medicated Me? Is there a difference?
I’m not so sure.
Can you relate to this?