It was only going to be a little while. I just needed a few weeks to “recharge”. Everything was going to go back to normal, and I’d go back to work.
That was the plan, anyway.
Here we are, 8 months later. Haven’t returned to work. Haven’t found a suitable treatment option for this time around. Don’t remember a large portion of the last 8 months because it’s both blurred into one big clump of days and there were so many medication trials and failures that I don’t even know what’s what anymore.
I am lucky to have qualified for income assistance from the government during this time – I have a lovely doctor who filled out the forms I needed, to allow myself the time I needed to take to get myself in order.
But it’s taking a lot longer than I’d planned. I’m not sure what I expected…When you push yourself to the full extent an already fragile, BPD and depression-riddled brain can handle, nothing good ever happens. When you push yourself to that extent for work for months (maybe even years), it does some serious damage. As my therapist has stated, “It took a while for it to get to this point. It’s going to take a while for things to get back to normal too.”
She has a point…but I still didn’t think it would take this long. This is an important lesson that those of us with mental illness must learn, and it can be a hard pill to swallow. Recovering from things takes time. Most days, I still feel like my brain has suffered some sort of trauma. I can’t think properly. Can’t remember anything. Can’t even be creative, which was a major fuel for my work. Hell, if I can manage to brush my hair and teeth, it’s a good day.
I know I’m not the only one in this boat…and that’s ok. On the days where I feel weak, or like I failure, I just have to remind myself…it’s ok. Things take time. I am not weak, or a failure. One of my friends has pointed out that, in fact, the longer this goes on, the stronger I am.
Because it’s been 8 months, and I’m still here. I’m still fighting it on a daily basis. I haven’t let it win. And I’m not going to. Eventually, things will get back to normal.
And if they don’t?
That’s ok, too. I’ll make it work out in the end. Because if nothing else, I am strong, and I am resilient.