I’ve been quiet lately, but my brain has not.

I had my appointment from my last post a couple of months ago.  It went well…the doctor I saw made some recommendations, everything seemed good, he sent the recommendations to my doctor…and she won’t follow through with them because she thinks he is incorrect.  For a brief moment, I had a flicker of hope, because this doctor really seemed to know what he was talking about, but it was a waste of time, apparently.  I have to go back and see my doctor in a couple of weeks, so we’ll see if I can convince her to follow the instructions on the report, but after over a year, I’m not holding my breath.  I need to switch doctors to someone else, but this brings me to my second thing that’s been going on…

I am going to go see someone to get some help apply for disability..it would give me a little more income per month than the support I receive right now, and since I’ve been on that for a year without any improvement, I am hopeful that my application gets approved.  I am not sure how long this process will take or what I will need to do, but I’ll find out later this week.

The main thing I’ve been dealing with lately is crippling anxiety – it’s not going away or getting better, and it seems like every day there’s something MORE ridiculous making me anxious when I know I shouldn’t be.

I’ve been trying to do some art in the last couple of weeks to see if that will help relax me…it has been going well.  I also received an order for some custom background art, which was very stressful…the fear of everything I do being rejected seems to still be here at full force, although I haven’t done any major work for anyone for over a year.  I also did a couple of small banner designs for someone, who said he loved them and insisted that he’d pay immediately…he still hasn’t paid, 15 days later, and that’s making me wonder if maybe he wasn’t really happy with them.  He seemed so eager to pay…if he was seriously happy, wouldn’t he have done that by now?  I even sent a reminder, and haven’t had a response.

Time is just ticking away, and I feel like I’m sitting here just waiting for things to change, trying to make things better…but it’s all very stagnant.