I’ve been quiet lately, but my brain has not.
I had my appointment from my last post a couple of months ago. It went well…the doctor I saw made some recommendations, everything seemed good, he sent the recommendations to my doctor…and she won’t follow through with them because she thinks he is incorrect. For a brief moment, I had a flicker of hope, because this doctor really seemed to know what he was talking about, but it was a waste of time, apparently. I have to go back and see my doctor in a couple of weeks, so we’ll see if I can convince her to follow the instructions on the report, but after over a year, I’m not holding my breath. I need to switch doctors to someone else, but this brings me to my second thing that’s been going on…
I am going to go see someone to get some help apply for disability..it would give me a little more income per month than the support I receive right now, and since I’ve been on that for a year without any improvement, I am hopeful that my application gets approved. I am not sure how long this process will take or what I will need to do, but I’ll find out later this week.
The main thing I’ve been dealing with lately is crippling anxiety – it’s not going away or getting better, and it seems like every day there’s something MORE ridiculous making me anxious when I know I shouldn’t be.
I’ve been trying to do some art in the last couple of weeks to see if that will help relax me…it has been going well. I also received an order for some custom background art, which was very stressful…the fear of everything I do being rejected seems to still be here at full force, although I haven’t done any major work for anyone for over a year. I also did a couple of small banner designs for someone, who said he loved them and insisted that he’d pay immediately…he still hasn’t paid, 15 days later, and that’s making me wonder if maybe he wasn’t really happy with them. He seemed so eager to pay…if he was seriously happy, wouldn’t he have done that by now? I even sent a reminder, and haven’t had a response.
Time is just ticking away, and I feel like I’m sitting here just waiting for things to change, trying to make things better…but it’s all very stagnant.
I have been waiting for months for a referral to a diagnostic program out of town, and my appointment is tomorrow!
I am both excited and nervous. Nervous, because who wants to go talk to someone they’ve never met before about the intimacies of their mental health, but excited because maybe this will be a stepping stone on the way to improving this thing. It’s been an entire year with NO progress whatsoever…tons of failed medication trials, tons of attempts at various other things, and no upward progression.
I can’t believe it’s been an entire year…it’s all blended into what seems like both one long day and a series of very long days that took forever to get through.
I will make a more detailed post about my experience after the fact!
It’s not something I see talked about a lot…maybe because people don’t want to admit they’re doing it, or maybe because they aren’t, and it’s just me.
Like most people, I don’t like doing dishes. Even on a good day…I hate it, but will do it because I know it’s necessary. When I’m depressed, though, the thought of having dishes to wash prevents me from preparing food and quite often will event prevent me from eating.
To help combat this, I took a trip to the local dollar store, and picked up some compostable paper plates and bowls, plastic cutlery, and even a few aluminum trays that I can throw stuff in and put it in the oven to cook if it’s something that’s going to be messy and might be hard to clean from one of my glass baking dishes or cookie sheets. I know this sounds incredibly lazy, but it’s been a real life-saver in that it’s making it so that I actually make sure that I’m eating properly.
As I’m doing this, in the back of my mind a little voice keeps saying, “this is bad for the environment! Stop!” But I can’t…not eating when I’m feeling this way is a major problem for me, and if this works? I have to do it. I have no other options.
Another thing I’ve started doing is not buying too much food that won’t last long in the fridge – I mostly buy fruit and vegetables either canned (the no salt added kind for veggies), or frozen. That way, if suddenly a week has gone by and I’ve been doing everything BUT eating those healthy things, I’m not throwing them away and wasting them and the money I paid for them.
I’m looking forward to the day where I start eating my meals off regular dishes again, but for now…this will have to do.
I haven’t been able to work for eight months. Most of that time has been spent sitting in my apartment, alone, trying new medications, trying various techniques suggested by my doctor and therapist and just kind of….waiting for time to pass to see if I’m going to beat this thing or not. It’s been rough. It’s been hard. It’s been one long jumble, and most days I can’t believe it’s been as long as it has.
And yet, here we are. Eight months of living in limbo, trying to make things better without much success.
It’s interesting – the people who know me well know the struggle I’ve been facing on a daily basis. They know it’s hard for me to get out of bed. They know my apartment looks like the apartment of someone who has barely been functioning for months…it’s a disaster area, in dire need of a deep cleaning and de-junking. They know it’s not pleasant, and they know it’s not “time off”. Being bombarded by BPD and major depression is like fighting a constant war with myself, and most days I’m not sure if I’m winning the war or not. But, I’m sitting here and writing this, so I must be winning…for now.
And then there are the people who think it must be so nice to not be working – “You must be enjoying having some time for yourself!” “I wish I didn’t have to work and could take time off like you are.”
Yes…I am enjoying having time for myself. It is like a wonderful holiday, and I never want it to end.
Unless someone has had their own personal experiences dealing with multiple mental illnesses, the majority of people have no idea just how unpleasant and HARD things are. It is fucking HARD to get out of bed every day, and some days I don’t make it. My hair doesn’t get brushed for a week (or more) which means I haven’t showered for that long either. About 3 months into this thing, I cut off all my hair…it used to be down past my waist, but not being taken care of for that length of time in between brushings made it almost impossible to deal with. A lot of it also fell out due to the general stress I was experiencing, and it was just too much. But it’s just hair…it’ll grow back, and I know that.
If you have someone in your life who is currently unable to work due to mental illness, please do not minimize their struggle. Be supportive. Instead of telling them it must be nice not to have to work, ask them if there’s something you can do to help make things a little easier for them. Maybe they want you to bring them some food, or just be there to talk. When people are in this state, we are extremely vulnerable, even if the majority of us won’t admit it. It’s a hard place to be, and although we may say no 100 times when you offer your help, there may just be that one time where, instead of the “no” you’re used to, you get a “yes”.
We need friends and family to help us get through the rough patches. And even if it all seems like one gigantic rough patch, eventually it’s going to get better.
I am currently taking things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour at a time. And sometimes one minute at a time. Because every minute of every day is a struggle, and it’s exhausting.
But I’m still going, and if you’re reading this then you are too, and that’s all that matters.
It was only going to be a little while. I just needed a few weeks to “recharge”. Everything was going to go back to normal, and I’d go back to work.
That was the plan, anyway.
Here we are, 8 months later. Haven’t returned to work. Haven’t found a suitable treatment option for this time around. Don’t remember a large portion of the last 8 months because it’s both blurred into one big clump of days and there were so many medication trials and failures that I don’t even know what’s what anymore.
I am lucky to have qualified for income assistance from the government during this time – I have a lovely doctor who filled out the forms I needed, to allow myself the time I needed to take to get myself in order.
But it’s taking a lot longer than I’d planned. I’m not sure what I expected…When you push yourself to the full extent an already fragile, BPD and depression-riddled brain can handle, nothing good ever happens. When you push yourself to that extent for work for months (maybe even years), it does some serious damage. As my therapist has stated, “It took a while for it to get to this point. It’s going to take a while for things to get back to normal too.”
She has a point…but I still didn’t think it would take this long. This is an important lesson that those of us with mental illness must learn, and it can be a hard pill to swallow. Recovering from things takes time. Most days, I still feel like my brain has suffered some sort of trauma. I can’t think properly. Can’t remember anything. Can’t even be creative, which was a major fuel for my work. Hell, if I can manage to brush my hair and teeth, it’s a good day.
I know I’m not the only one in this boat…and that’s ok. On the days where I feel weak, or like I failure, I just have to remind myself…it’s ok. Things take time. I am not weak, or a failure. One of my friends has pointed out that, in fact, the longer this goes on, the stronger I am.
Because it’s been 8 months, and I’m still here. I’m still fighting it on a daily basis. I haven’t let it win. And I’m not going to. Eventually, things will get back to normal.
And if they don’t?
That’s ok, too. I’ll make it work out in the end. Because if nothing else, I am strong, and I am resilient.